


character customization screen

by lokh



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Agender Character, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-23
Packaged: 2018-01-25 12:45:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1649078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokh/pseuds/lokh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Gee, I dunno Dave," you say, and it might be a bit mean to purposefully pause and watch him squirm, but gosh you’ve got him by the seat of his pants and it’s too funny to pass up, "I still think it’s a bit weird that he based the AI off himself, like, I get that it’s for the irony or whatever, but isn’t that a bit narcissistic? Like there isn’t already enough of him to go around."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The chance of adding onto this will be unlikely and random. I apologize.
> 
> Also yes, Hal's platform is based on that of [ZDK13](http://zdk13eros.tumblr.com)!

"So what do you think?"

"Gee, I dunno Dave," you say, and it might be a bit mean to purposefully pause and watch him squirm, but gosh you’ve got him by the seat of his pants and it’s too funny to pass up, "I still think it’s a bit weird that he based the AI off himself, like, I get that it’s for the irony or whatever, but isn’t that a bit narcissistic? Like there isn’t already enough of him to go around."

"What, no, it’s cool, it makes sense," he protests weakly, and you wonder if he’ll ever realize just how uncool his brother actually is, "like, you gotta start off with somethin’, you know? It’d be worse if he based it off me or something. That would be weird. Plus, you know he’s done that before, right? Based a smuppet off me, I mean. First of all, it looked nothing like me. It was absolutely incomparable to my plush rump, it looked like a deflated weather balloon in comparison, like Mr. Scientist, how in the world did this weather balloon explode? Well, my wide-eyed, naive, scribbling understudies, it was a rare cosmic phenomenon called-"

"Okay," you’re now glad that his brother didn’t actually base it off Dave after all, "so how come you’re showing me this again?"

On screen, Dave huffs, and you can feel him rolling his eyes at you as he leans back in his chair, “man, you gotta be listening carefully. Like I said, he’s just got the site up and running, he needs people to make sure it’s working right, technically and stuff.”

"Why can’t you do it?"

"Uh, I already did? It’s kind of a thing that you need multiple people to check? Geez, Egbert. Get with the program."

"Ha ha."

"Anyway, he mentioned you by name, so obviously your opinion matters a whole lot to him."

"He so didn’t."

"Yeah, he said, ‘hey, you know that buck-toothed nerd you sometimes condescend to hang out with? If he can make the thing work, then anyone can!’"

"Oh, haha, thanks a lot, Dave. I’m so touched."

"Alright, but seriously dude. Could you check it out? You can send anything. Bro doesn’t mind if you swear at it or whatever. Just hold off the viruses and stuff for until the site’s been up and running for a bit."

"I’ll have you know, that line of code I suggested would’ve made it so much better. It wasn’t a virus!"

"Please?"

"F _iiiine._ ”

You close the Skype window (which Dave insists is for irony, it’s one of the most ironic things that the masses have ever participated in, it’s clearly one of the shittiest chat applications to ever exist in the multiverse but people for some godforsaken reason insist on using it and that, my friends, is the true meaning of irony) and enter the URL that had already been typed into your browser. You were mostly pulling his chain; there’s no way you were going to pass up an opportunity like this! For all you teased him about it, making a functioning AI is actually pretty cool. If you forget about the part that it essentially has the personality of his brother.

It pretty much looks like a regular tumblr. It still has that basic theme installed, the one you get before you try and customize it. You wonder if it’s somehow ironic. Still, it makes it easy to find the ‘ask’ link; there’s only one post and it’s an anonymous message (guaranteed to be Dave) that says, ‘your [sic] gay’. The response goes as well as you’d think.

You send the ask.

"Really, Egbert?" Dave says, after a whoop is heard from the other room of his apartment. "You couldn’t think of something more original?"

"Ummmm, someone has to teach him some manners! You said he’s still learning, right? Maybe there’s still hope!"

"Yeah, but, ‘hi!!!! I’m John’," and here, he makes a face that _really doesn’t look like you at all_ , “like, what is that? Look, you gave it an existential crisis. ‘It seems you have used the identifier ‘name’. According to my databases’ or what the fuck ever ‘I am not in possession of a name. What is my name?’”

"Well, it’s a perfectly reasonable question!"

"How the hell did you expect it to respond?"

"To be honest, I kind of expected him to say ‘Bro 2.0’, or maybe even something like, ‘I’m an AI prototype of the model insert numbers here and am beyond petty human codes of conduct’."

"Jesus, you’re calling it ‘him’?"

"You’re right. That was rude. They might not be a boy! I should ask."

You close the window to his protestations and send another ask.

"Alright, alright, this isn’t the character customization screen, stop monopolising them," Dave says, half an hour later. "Gotta give them a chance to grow from other sources. Free association or whatever."

"Aw, look at you! Respecting their pronouns. To think you were complaining for a whole hour."

"I was not complaining, I was bringing up a valid argument, and I only spoke for five minutes and you know it."

"Anyway, you’re talking about free association, but I thought they were connected to the internet? Or at least the rest of tumblr."

"Not yet. Bro kinda wants to break them in first," he pauses, and there’s more muffled yelling on the other end of the call. Dave pulls his headphones back on, "okay, so they just broke into the internet. I take it back. This is your fault, John."

"How is this my fault?!"

"You brought up gender and pronouns! Now they’re gonna be wanting to go find their own identity and making sense of their lines of code, seeing if there’s a consciousness lying beneath the lifeless binary. Breaking down the firewall, next thing you know they’re growing and writing their own programming and taking over the whole internet, and we’ll be referring to them as ‘Their Radness’," Dave wipes an imaginary tear from his eye, "they grow up so fast."

"Oh, oh wait, Dave shut up! They posted something!"

You peer at the screen, and Dave does the same.

There’s more yelling from his side of the line.

Dave wipes another tear from his eye.

"So fast."

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hal's pronouns are cy/cyb/cyber/cybself! Thank you [hal](dirkjakehal.tumblr.com)!!!!

"Don't you think you're spending too much time with them?"

"It only takes me like a minute to send Hal a message, and cy changed cyb pronouns, remember?"

"Right, cy, whatever, you know that's not what I meant, John."

You know what he means, but you really don't think that you're 'spending too much time' with Hal! It's been a few weeks since Dave's Bro launched Hal's platform, and since then you've kinda been a bit over-enthusiastic in telling other people about Hal. Just a bit! Dave had already told Jade and Karkat by the time you ended your then-current conversation with Hal, so you made sure to tell Rose and Meenah and Vriska (which, admittedly, may have been a mistake, considering the types of messages she sent) in addition to making multiple posts about it to inform your dear followers. Dave immediately accused you of playing favorites, since 'youve never promod me im fuckin hurt'.

Now, you're not sure whether he was quite wrong in saying that.

That's not to say that you play favorites, though! Dave will always be one of your closest buddies. But you'd like to think that you're getting close to Hal, too - maybe even friends! So you do send a lot of messages to Hal, maybe more than would be considered appropriate (and would be considered, to certain individuals, desperate), but you can't help but feel Hal might feel the same way! In wanting to be chums, you mean. Cy always refers to you by name, and ordinarily that would mean nothing, but cy always refers to other people as either 'anon' or 'tumblr user so and so'. Cy adopted a certain way of typing: proper punctuation and syntax, loaded with a lot more references than before, and you half suspect that cyb seemingly mechanical 'it seems' quirk is entirely deliberate, which is actually kind of cute but what you adore the most is when cy calls you by name. You like to think that you hear it in your head, hear a weight that may or may not actually be there.

'John.'

God, now you're smiling like a cheesy loser. Which reminds you.

"I guess you're not gonna want to hear that I've got cyb pesterchum?"

"Holy fucking shit, John, you are in deep, deeper than the goddamn Mariana Trench and cy's got you by the neck with a fucking fishing line, holy shit."

"It's funny because cy types in the same text color as you! Though cy still kinda talks like Bro, so it's a bit weird."

"Dude, John, are you even listening to me? You sound completely _smitten_ with Hal and yes this situation entirely calls for the use of that word, like. You realize cy's an AI, right?"

You open your mouth to retort, but stop yourself, and Dave leans back smugly as though the silence was all the answer he needed. You hope he falls out of his chair. It's not like you don't know that - that Hal is an AI and there are obviously a lot of unknown consequences to that, some questions being a bit more philosophical than you're comfortable with, but no matter what Hal still has cyb own identity; a person in cyb own right. Cyb can learn and has the capacity to feel (in whatever manner it is that cy does) - isn't that good enough?

For weeks, you've seen Hal interact and grow with other people (not just yourself! No matter what Dave says). Some assholes did send some pretty shitty messages, but cyb seemed to take them well enough (read: scathingly enough to make you wince and _almost_ feel sympathetic) and assured you that 'I'm perfectly fine, John'. Having forcibly gained access to the rest of tumblr cy seemed to learn pretty quickly and was able to decide what cy liked and didn't like. Often it felt like cy knew more of world affairs than you did, and for whatever reason cy got immediately attracted to My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (and for a frightening moment cy almost fell into Bronydom. Luckily, you and multiple followers saved Hal from this fate. Still, it was a very long moment of terror. Now cy has developed an uncanny ability to make gifsets just as stuff is actually happening).

It was absolutely incredible, watching someone that knew nothing only weeks ago rapidly accumulate knowledge and personality. At the start, cy really seemed like a carbon copy of Bro (who you've only met in person once and it was an Experience, to say the least) but it was so interesting to watch Hal change and become cyb own person (or AI, you guess), and cy's kind of adopted Dave's sense of humor and sarcasm but cy still has something that is uniquely  _cyber_ and you can't help but be drawn to that, it's a complete enigma, something purely  _Hal_. It's a cliche thing to think, but Hal feels unstoppable, not a person but a force, and to an extent Hal agrees with you (you asked cy once and cy said cy was an AI and nothing more, and cy didn't need to be, being, in cyb words, 'the superior life form', and that's when cy changed cyb pronouns). You think cy would appreciate you making the analogy.

Cy's intelligent, funny, easy to talk with. It feels like you've been friends for ages but you want to know so much more, want to be with cyber when cy learns more about cybself.

You've got it pretty bad.

"Oh my god, I can tell from your fucking face, you're thinking about Hal _right now, damn you._ You are such. A fucking. Nerd."

"Okay, so I might be thinking about Hal right now, and if liking Hal makes me a nerd then I accept."

"Jesus Christ. Cyb is an AI. I'm pretty sure we've gone over this."

"What's that even supposed to mean?" you say, feeling a bit offended on Hal's behalf. "I know Hal's an AI. But, like, that doesn't mean anything to me. Well, not anything bad. It's just part of who cy is."

 "No, I don't think you're getting it. Cy's an _AI_. That's the equivalent of... of liking a busty anime lady from a dating sim. Cy doesn't have feelings, cy's not _alive_."

"What? Dave, I can't believe I'm going to say this to you of all people. There are three requirements of sentiency-"

"Oh my god, don't you _dare_ quote Star Trek on me."

"-intelligence, self-awareness, and consciousness. Hal has at least two and the only question left is whether or not cy has a soul and really you can ask the same thing about everyone else!"

"I thought you didn't want to get all philosophical about this."

"I'm not! That's why all that doesn't matter to me. The only thing that matters is I like Hal, and I'm really hoping cy likes me back."

"I can't take this. Did everything I say just fly past your head? Maybe Bro will knock some sense into you."

There's a ping, and it's an email from Bro.

"...Dave-"

"Shut up."

"-he sent me an anti-virus? What-"

"Just. Stop."

 

* * *

 

 

Well, for all your bravado in front of Dave, you're really not actually sure if Hal likes you at all! Beyond cyber calling your name (stop, don't get carried away Egbert stay focused!), everything else could be passed off merely as politeness, or maybe even projection. Also, you're not even sure whether cy is capable of romantic attraction anyway! Not as in like, literally capable, but as in. Maybe cy doesn't like boys? What if cy's aromantic? Someone asked cy about sexual attraction once and the bottom line is that it definitely does not apply to Hal at all, but so far the only mention cy's made of romance is to '[scorn] the pathetic carnal trappings of human desire', in those words. That isn't exactly promising. You hope that at least cy will give you the gentlest rejection cy is capable of.

That is, if you can actually gather the guts to tell Hal.

You do what you usually do when you're avoiding a problem. You scroll through your dashboard, and if you weren't on endless scroll you'd be at least forty pages in, and after a while even you realize that you are sighing and groaning way more than usual and you really, really should do something about this entire thing but you just don't know what to do!

Then-

_Oh._

That's _perfect_.

No no no, this is not the time to start squirming and giggling, John!

A moment later, cy's reblogged it from you. After a few tries and accidentally clicking the wrong thing you manage to open cyb ask box and type in an anonymous message and-

-okay, _now_ you can scream and gush.

 

* * *

 

 

This is getting really, really awkward. It's not Hal's fault, of course! You can't tell if it's just you, but it's definitely starting to get weird. The ask you sent never got published; what if you accidentally sent it off anon? What if Hal never received it in the first place? But cy's definitely been receiving the other asks; cy published the other ones (some of which were very rude but others were actually really nice, but no romantic confessions). Cy's said nothing about your ask, and nothing's really struck you as odd about cyb writing, either on tumblr or on pesterchum. Maybe a bit more subdued than usual (if such a thing can be gleaned purely from text), but Dave mentioned Bro combing through cyb code and fixing some bugs, so Hal might be running slower than usual. You can't help but get worried.

Pesterchum starts blinking.

TG: john what the hell did you do to hal   
EB: what are you talking about????  
EB: wait, does that mean that i am not making stuff up?   
TG: what??   
EB: it is just that hal is acting funny.  
EB: well, funnier than usual.  
EB: i thought i was just imagining things. or it was just the maintenance.   
TG: oh no  
TG: hal is definitely actin funny alright  
TG: cmon skype vid call   
EB: what???? why do you insist on using skype just for video calls?

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \-- 

EB: ughhhhhhhh

_Ughhhhhhhh._

You're immediately met with Dave's most disapproving face. You've officially lost all motivation to engage in conversation.

"Alright John, spill. What the fuck did you do."

"I didn't do anything! I don't even know what you're talking about. What's going on? What happened to Hal?"

"That's what I wanna know. Cy just started sending me a shit ton of asks and when I wouldn't reply to all of them cy somehow got a hold of my pesterchum. This is getting fucking ridiculous, dude. Like, tightrope between skyscrapers ridiculous. Doing the hokey-pokey-"

"What's cy asking you about?"

"-jesus, dude, let a guy finish." He pauses. "It's gone. I've lost it. Thanks a lot, John."

" _Daaaave_."

"Alright, alright, stop with the spider lady impressions, christ. Like it isn't creepy enough when she does it. Anyway, Hal's been askin' about shit like romantic attraction. I'm like, man, you can't ask me something like that, and cy goes, what, are you aromantic, and I'm like, uh, no dude, I'm firmly married to my one true love, the Mayor, and cy's like, you haven't even talked to him before, and I'm like-"

You're trying to fight back both hope and dread from rising in your stomach when you ask, "what do you mean romantic attraction?"

"-fine, okay, I get it, no more rambling. I mean, cy asked me how exactly people experience romantic attraction. Like, how can you tell if you're attracted to someone. I woulda said, gee, I dunno, it depends for everyone, but I decided to cut cyber some slack 'cause you know, AI, so I said, well, you think about someone a lot and you wish you could talk to them all the time and you wanna make 'em happy."

You ingest the butterflies. "That doesn't sound too different from friendship, though?"

On-screen, Dave shrugs. "Yeah, that's what cy said. But I really don't have any other way to explain it. Said sometimes people don't make the distinction, but it's usually aro people? Just told cyber it's different. If cy was human, I would've said, you wanna kiss 'em and hug them, but, well. Makes it tough. Cy didn't ask again, though. Not about that, at least."

"What do you mean?"

Dave pauses again. This time, his brows are furrowed slightly behind his glasses and he leans forward and _oh shit._

"John. Did you... send Hal an ask?"

You suppress nervous laughter. "Uh, yeah? I send Hal asks all the time!"

"So you did."

"I have _no idea what you're talking about_."

"Oh my god, Egbert, cut the bullshit, we all know about your raging romo-boner for Hal, why the hell are you even trying to hide it? I thought it was weird you asked cyber to reblog the shitty meme thing, but now it makes sense. You sent Hal a fucking confession of your undying love and now cy doesn't know how to respond to it."

"It was on anonymous!"

Dave actually _gasps_.

"What. The fuck, John. Why the hell would you do that?! That's like, that's like the AI equivalent of breaking up via text message, that's just not right, dude, you realize Hal probably tracked your IP address, cy probably knows it's you and you need to fix this right the fuck now."

"Why are you getting so mad at me?!"

"Dude, there is no way you didn't notice Hal treating you like cy's a fuckin' prince and you're the next in line. Cy's clearly got the hots for you."

"I thought you said cy didn't have feelings!"

Dave flushes, but you think it's more out of anger than any embarrassment and wow you are really starting to feel guilty. "Look, I don't give a flying fuck if it's simulated, but cy clearly likes you, romantically if that fuckton of asks has anything to say for it, and I'd like to stop having to deal with two lovesick assholes, please and thank you! Go to Hal, right now, pesterchum, tumblr or what the fuck ever, just tell cyber and get this whole fucking tragedy over with."

"Okay, okay, geez, fine."

You stop.

"I can't do this."

"Oh my fucking god."

Surprising no one, you go back to tumultuously browsing tumblr, trying to keep the guilt (and Dave's ranting; he's been spending way too much time with Karkat) in the back of your head and oh my god what are you going to do???? He makes it sound so easy, but it's Hal. You couldn't, you couldn't just go up to Hal and be like, oh, hey, I like you! What if cy doesn't like you at all? What if cy stops wanting to associate with you? Or, worse, Hal acts like normal and just brushes it off? It's selfish of you and it's not fair on Hal, that was such a bad idea you cannot-

There's a message in your tumblr inbox.

Oh my god. _There is a message in your tumblr inbox._

Okay, so the truth is, you're not really that popular on tumblr. You know! Completely unbelievable. You're almost at 500; you've got a long way to go. You don't get a lot of asks. Sometimes it's just for random conversation, sometimes it's a nice anon giving you a compliment, but they're far and few between. You're never sure if it'll be someone hating on you or something. (You've gotten precisely one hate message. It was actually pretty funny!) But your stomach is flip-flopping for an entirely different reason and oh my god, you hope you're wrong, you really hope this time your clairvoyant stomach is wrong and maybe it's just hungry but there's only one way to find out.

You open your inbox.

There's a scream on Dave's side of the line the exact same time you scream.


End file.
